The Funniest Story, EVER!

In the interest of protecting the “innocent” and sparing myself any reprisals, I won’t be using any real names as I relate this story. I’m sure you understand.

Several years ago, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the time (we’ll call her “A”) and her 15 year-old daughter (whom we’ll call “T”). As we walked into Dick’s Sporting Goods, “A”, a strait-laced minister’s daughter, took a big whiff and announced, “I love the smell of Dick’s! It reminds me of Christmas time.” I responded “Please don’t ever say that again, honey.” She looked at me quizzically and said “What? I just said that I love the smell of…” her voice trailing off. Blushing, she burst into hysterical laughter.

Naturally, this didn’t go unnoticed by her daughter, who wanted to know what was so funny. Between peals of laughter she managed to repeat the exchange, whereupon “T” also burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter. They excused themselves to the restroom to attempt to compose themselves, but came out several minutes later, still laughing uncontrollably, the humor of the situation further compounded by the alarmed reactions of the other ladies room patrons.

Sadly, we had to cut our trip to Dick’s short, but I got the funniest story ever out of the deal. Seems like a fair trade.

An open letter to the makers of panini presses

Dear panini press makers,

It would be nice if you made the grill ribs run at a 45 degree angle, rather than perpendicular. I like for my panini to have aesthetically-pleasing diagonal grill marks. Food just tastes better when it looks nice.

I can achieve this with perpendicular grill lines, but it means putting my sandwich in catty-corner and sacrificing valuable grill real estate (grill estate?) thus making it nigh on impossible to prepare two sandwiches at the same time. I shouldn’t be forced to make this concession. Just make the grill ridges run at a 45 degree angle and we’re one step closer to panini perfection, and one problem closer to solving all the world’s problems.


Your friend,

Oh… so I’m the stupid one!

I enjoy Chinese food. A lot. There happens to be a Chinese buffet about 3 blocks from my house and I order takeout from them frequently. A while back it seemed that every time I called a man who spoke basically no English would answer the phone. After a few awkward moments of neither of us being able to understand the other, he’d put the woman who usually answers the phone on and all was well.

After about the fourth or fifth time this happened, it started to really annoy me. “Why the hell would you have the guy who doesn’t speak any English answering the phone? That’s just stupid.” I groused.

Imagine my chagrin when I discovered that I had been calling their fax number, which evidently rings in the kitchen, where English fluency isn’t so much a requirement. I had to laugh as I imagined the dialogue at their end: “Why the hell does that guy keep calling the fax machine? That’s just stupid.”

Ask your doctor

The commercials finally convinced me, so I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sexual activity.
He said, “I’m a podiatrist, jackass.”

Recycling Angst

Sometimes I worry that if I accidentally put the wrong type of plastic in my recycling bin it will send the guy into a wild-eyed rage and he’ll scatter the contents across my yard before hurling the empty bin through my front window.*
That’s a rational fear, right?

* Poorly-drawn cartoon representation on the way, stay tuned

My thoughts on Keith Olbermann’s ouster

Back in 2003 I went to see the “Tell Us The Truth” tour. Steve Earle, Billy Bragg, The Nightwatchman (Tom Morello), Boots Riley, Lester Chambers, and Mike Mills joining forces to raise awareness about the dangers of media consolidation and the FCC’s recently increased “media ownership cap” which allowed individual networks to control a larger percentage of the national market.

Flash forward to today. Media giant Comcast buys control of MSNBC, which then promptly fires Olbermann, their highest rated host.

Tom Morello’s words from 2003 seem particularly prophetic today.

A few massive corporations will soon control all we see on TV and print and radio, there’s a very narrow number of gatekeepers, and that can be very destabilizing for a democracy. Ten years ago, 50 corporations controlled the major media outlets. Now it’s down to six, and everybody loses except the super-rich at the top.