The other night I found myself watching ‘Jackie Brown’ on TV. As this was regular-ass (commercial) TV, all of the profanity was dubbed over, with predictably hilarious results. One scene in particular grabbed my attention. Briefly, Samuel L. Jackson’s character, ‘Ordell Robbie’ angrily says; “Oh, I know who my friends are, melon fever.”
He called the man “Melon fever“! I’m going to start using that!
“Hey, melon fever, watch where you’re going!”
“What are you honkin’ at, melon fever?”
It just has so many practical applications.
Thank goodness they warned me, otherwise I surely would have made a peanut butter and silicon* grease sandwich.
*Yes, I know that it’s actually silicone.
Ok, since I’ve already started down this path; here’s a useful term I coined several years ago:
snotrockletize (accent on last syllable) - the generally inadvertent act of blowing a snot rocket onto something (or, heaven forbid, someone). Example: “Damnit, the wind shifted and I snotrockletized my shoulder!”
Here’s a funny story of ’snotrockletization’ from Ireland for your edification.
Yeah, I know; I’m basically just an overgrown ten year old with (a little) more discretionary income and way too much free time.
Let me just say from the start, I’m irritated. There are so many things going on in the world that irritate (and sicken) me right now I don’t even know where to begin. What the media tries to convince us is (and isn’t) “news”, irritates the piss out of me, but more on that later.
Society’s asinine, lemming-like allegiance to “political-correctness” irritates me. I’m all in favor of inclusive language, up to a point, but that point is a rapidly vanishing dot on the horizon behind us. Allow me to illustrate. I was accidentally watching the Fox “News” channel earlier. You know how they run the crawl across the bottom of the screen with news headlines and snippets of news? Well, one particular item caught my attention. Something about a “homicide” bomber blowing up a car and killing 10 people in Baghdad.
What they mean, of course, is a “suicide bomber”, but because some group (I vaguely recall this discussion a few years back) took umbrage at the use of that term, some in the media have adopted the phrase “homicide bomber”. Here’s what’s wrong with that:
Isn’t anyone who uses explosives to blow people the fuck up, thereby killing them, a “homicide bomber”. Yes, of course s/he is. What makes a suicide bomber different is that they go along for the ride, not unlike (well not really like, either) Slim Pickens’ character, Major T.J. ‘King’ Kong, in Dr. Strangelove. The point here is that they blow up too; on purpose!
When someone says “suicide bomber”, everyone knows what they mean. “Homicide bomber”, on the other hand, doesn’t really carry much more meaning than the word “bomber” and leaves the listener/reader to guess at the meaning.
On FMNC (the Foul-Mouthed News Channel), we’re going to call them “Blew themselves and some other people right the fuck on up bombers”. Kinda catchy, don’t you think?
If this:
w
equals
double-u
then why doesn’t this:
www
equal
sextuple-u?
I think it should. It’s really much more fun to say:
Sextuple-u-dot-whatever-dot-com
Isn’t it?
Of course it is.
More fun with grammar from our friends at the Associated Press:
Whose your daddy? Chimp Haven wonders
AP Tue Jan 16, 8:19 PM ET
SHREVEPORT, La. - It’s both a surprise and a mystery. At Caddo Parish’s Chimp Haven, where retired male chimpanzees all get vasectomies, a female chimp has turned up pregnant.
Whose? Whose?
Who’s checking the copy before they publish it, that’s what I want to know.
I wonder if the author of this piece had been previously ridiculed for gratuitously using apostrophes where they don’t belong. Maybe that’s it; apostrophe anxiety. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Postscript:
I see that they have now corrected their error (due, no doubt, to my tireless efforts).
So, I saw an article from the AP titled “Man rides stationary bike for 85 hours“. It starts off thusly:
AP Sun Jan 14, 2:05 AM ET
BURR RIDGE, Ill. - George Hood may have peddled his way into the Guinness Book of World Records on Saturday night.
Goddamnit, no he didn’t! He traveled about, selling things? No! He didn’t peddle anything, you idiots.
I’ve come to expect this sort of thing from my local news, but really; I expect better from the Associated Press, the news organization. A bike (stationary or otherwise) has pedals. Therefore, he pedaled/pedalled (while both spellings may look odd, either is acceptable). I realize that this is a small thing, but this sort of lazy misuse of language drives me crazy, as I’ve mentioned before.
Ok, I feel better now.
So, in composing my previous post I used the word “pedaling”. The Blogger spell-check software refused to acknowledge “pedaling” or “pedalling” (both perfectly acceptable spellings) and suggested that I was “peddling”… No, Blogger, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t selling anything, nor was I “paddling” my bicycle down the street, thank you very much.
This shines a light on one of my (many) pet peeves. People (particularly cyclists) who use peddling when they mean pedaling. The bike has pedals; not peddles! Stop it!
I’ve even seen clubs (yes, more than one!) on organised rides wearing jerseys stating they were “peddlers” of one sort or another. Either they’re in sales, and somewhat clever; or (my guess) they’re stupid. Seriously people, don’t implicitly trust the computer; use your brain, use a dictionary… put forth a little effort!
It’s funny the things that fix themselves in our memories. Earlier today I invoked the phrase “pet peeve” and chuckled as I remembered the first time I heard that particular phrase. I was in (I think) 4th grade and had been sent to the principal’s office (also a first) along with my partner in crime, Randy Nichols, for returning to class after recess completely soaking, dripping wet. The fact that the object of our impromptu game was to run the gauntlet of agricultural-style sprinklers without getting wet was apparently lost on our teacher, so off to the principal’s office we sloshed.
I don’t remember in what context the principal, Mr. Mallow (Mr. Marshmallow, we kids called him), used said phrase, but I do remember that it really ticked him off when I couldn’t suppress a giggle as I imagined him putting out food and water for his “pet peeve”, which I envisioned being the size of a small dog and vaguely pig-like. He was kind enough to define the term for us, and after giving us a good talking-to, sent us back to class.
I’m not sure why I can recall this event with such startling clarity some 30 years later, but I’m rather glad that I can.
A new trend in beer advertising seems to be the brewer telling us that their beer has “more taste” than some other beer. Not better, just more.
Raw sewage has “more taste” than spring water, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be my first choice to slake my thirst.
I guess this goes hand in hand with the American “more is better” philosophy. Bigger cars, bigger burgers, more useless gadgets, soft drinks served in buckets; where does the madness end?
Say it out loud: “Barack Obama”! It’s fun… great big Biakabutuka-like fun.
Oh no! I’m hooked on phonics!
So…. The University of Dayton basketball coach, Oliver Purnell, is leaving and going to Clemson. This news saddens me, but for a reason you would never guess.
You know how there are certain jokes you never tire of that annoy everyone else? For instance; whenever someone (even someone on TV) says “hearing aide” I always, ALWAYS say “what?”… well, a couple of years ago Coach Purnell did a PSA extolling the virtues of reading and education, wherein he encouraged us all to visit the “Li-berry“.
I’m not sure which is scarier, his (mis)pronunciation, or the fact that the local stations aired it (for months) anyway. Sooo… every time his name is mentioned on the news, the commentary goes something like this:
Sportscaster: Flyers’ coach Oliver Purnell held a press conference today…
Me: Down at the Li-berry.
You get the idea. With his departure, I will now be deprived of this simple pleasure or, at best, cut back from almost daily to just the occasional obligatory “Former Flyers’ head-coach” mention.
It’s really quite sad.
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