They’re Back!

Today “they” came and mowed the grass. Right after they finished I looked out the back window to see how they’d done and lo and behold, there were my old friends, the three weird ducks, making themselves quite at home. I don’t know what draws them to my yard, but they’ve been visiting from time to time for years.


Hey you ducks! Get out of my yard!


Weird-Ass Dream

David Letterman had as his guest Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Strangely, instead of the typical interview, they were playing a game that was a cross between miniature golf and soccer, which involved them scooting about on desk chairs while avoiding various obstacles and trying to kick golf balls (they each had their own) into sequentially numbered hole/basket/goals. This game was created by Jerry Lewis, who had appeared earlier to (somewhat comically, somewhat disturbingly) explain it.

As the two of them played the game Paul and the band accompanied the action with calliope “clown music” (I wish I knew the name of the tune; it’s instantly recognizable). They were neck and neck coming down toward the final goal when Dave grabbed the arm of CT’s chair with one hand then with his other hand reached into CT’s suit jacket pocket where there was an asthma inhaler which he discharged 6 or 7 times (as a diversion?)

This allowed Dave to kick the winning goal, whereupon he shouted “35 points!! In your face, Thomas!” (No, I have no idea how he arrived at the 35 point figure.)

What does this all mean?

It could just mean that I’m nuts; or it could simply indicate that when a medication cautions it may cause “vivid dreams” what they really mean is “weird-ass dreams”.

That’s not so much a side-effect as it is a ‘bonus’ in my book. I mean seriously, if you gotta have side effects, that’s not a bad one to get.

I’m sure it’s just a coincidence… yeah, a coincidence, that’s it.

Apparently four transoceanic communications network cables have been mysteriously severed. The result of this is that internet traffic in the Middle East has been severely hampered and, according to some reports, completely halted to and from Iran. Even more interesting, what little traffic still exists is being re-routed through the US and UK, but I’m sure there’s nothing fishy going on, it’s probably just a massive series of completely unrelated coincidences.

Here’s more from Monday’s episode of Rocketboom (the pertinent part begins at about 2:15).

Also, on a completely unrelated note, here’s Wikipedia’s page on the USS Jimmy Carter, which says, in part:

Carter is roughly 100 feet (30 m) longer than the other two ships of her class. This is due to the insertion of a section known as the Multi-Mission Platform (MMP), which allows launch and recovery of ROVs and Navy SEAL forces. The plug features a fairing over a wasp-waist shaped passageway allowing crew to pass between the fore and aft sections of the hull while providing a space to store ROVs and special equipment that may need to launch and recover from the submarine. The MMP may also be used as an underwater splicing chamber for tapping of undersea fiber optic cables. This role was formerly filled by the decommissioned USS Parche (SSN-683).

Jimmy Carter, Iran… I’m sure it’s all just a massive coincidence.

Corpophagia in Toyland

Years and years (20?) ago, I found no small measure of humor in Mattel’s “Animal-loving Barbie” and “Animal-lovin’ Ken” (who, you may recall, came with “his own chimpanzee to care for and love”). So, imagine my delight/horror when I stumbled across this:

Here’s the description from the website where you can purchase this treasure:

Finally, Barbie has a dog that eats and makes a mess! Tanner the dog eats and ejects waste from his body. At this point, Barbie can pick it up in a scooper, and then Tanner will eat it again– just like your real dog!

Finally!?!

They call it the “Barbie Doll and Tanner Scooper Dog Set”, but in the spirit of my last post, we all know the name should really be:

Poop scooping Barbie and Tanner, the shit-eating wonder-dog.

Wouldn’t you love to have been the proverbial ‘fly on the wall’ at the meeting when the drug-addled lunatic brilliant toy-designer pitched that idea?

Who Needs Drugs When There’s Japanese Animation?

So, the other night I was perusing the usual overnight cable TV wasteland when this Japanese cartoon with English subtitles caught my attention. A group of adorable raccoons were leading an idyllic existence in an abandoned barn until it was demolished by the evil humans. This was apparently the last straw and the raccoons decided they had to fight back against the horrible humans who were encroaching on their habitat. Fairly plausible and normal so far, right?

Okay, so the raccoons band together and parachute down upon their evil oppressors, kamikaze-style, using the enormous testicles they apparently sprouted just for the occasion as both parachute and weapon. Seriously!

Things have come a long way from the days of my youth when Japanese animation meant (no one I knew had heard of “anime” back then) Speed Racer, Trixie, Spritle, and Chim-Chim! I probably would have been scarred for life if Chim-Chim had grown a giant pair of nuts and leapt out of the Mach V‘s trunk.

Let the record reflect: I am opposed to animated woodland creatures with ginormous gonads. That’s just wrong.

Postscript: No, I didn’t dream the whole thing. Apparently this is what I saw.

More Comedy Disguised as News

Here’s an excerpt from an article in the Cincinnati Enquirer which has to have been intended to be funny.

Soldiers in Iraq will get a taste of Cincinnati when they receive 10 cornhole sets made by a Reading soldier’s family and painted by students.

Army Spc. 4 Shannon Bucksath, a 1990 Reading High School graduate, left Oct. 13 for Iraq. He’s stationed at Camp Navistar on the Iraq-Kuwait border, where he’s part of the 383rd Movement Control Team that moves convoys.

“We had a going-away party for him and we were playing cornhole,” said his dad, Donald Bucksath. “He really liked playing cornhole.”

If you don’t know why this is funny, think Ned Beatty in Deliverance. If you still don’t get it, then it would probably be best if you just forgot all about any of this and went back to whatever you were doing before you stumbled into this den of perversion and vulgarity.

Bicycles in the News (File under “W” for WTF?)

According to this story from my local news, a guy on a bicycle ran a stop sign and hit a car.

Police said the cyclist may have been distracted; evidently he was wearing headphones, carrying two backpacks and (here comes the crazy part) a cage with “some kind” of an animal.

The cyclist, sadly, is in serious condition. No word on the condition of the (I’m guessing) marmot.

Starlings

Years ago, living in Chattanooga, my house was invaded by Starlings. They found a hole in the eave and built a nest, essentially in my bathroom ceiling. You know how they say “the early bird gets the worm”? Well, I do not want the worm, nor do I get up early, unless I’m going fishing or something, in which case I will gladly purchase the worms from the ‘early bird’. Unfortunately, my little avian invaders and I weren’t on the same page in this regard. They were definately early risers, and noisy little buggers to boot.

I tried ignoring them, I tried chasing them away, finally they pushed me beyond rational thought and I went to K-mart, bought a pellet gun, hunted them down, and killed them (then returned the pellet gun for a refund… take that, K-mart!)

Now, if these had been Robins, Cardinals, Wrens or any other of a multitude of ‘good’ birds, I would have called whoever you call about such things and tried to have them relocated.

But they weren’t, they were Starlings! Introduced, non-native avian vermin pushing out the native songbirds, looking ugly and making way too much noise.

Anyway, I’m telling you that story to set up this story, from Chattanoogan.com:

Grape Attacks On Starlings Begins Monday Evening
posted September 9, 2005

The attack on swarms of starlings in downtown Chattanooga begins next Monday evening, City Forester Gene Hyde said.

Continuing for three straight nights, the city of Chattanooga will be using the services of a company called “Flockfighters” which specializes in dispersing populations of nuisance birds. The goal is to try to persuade the starlings to find new roosting sites away from sensitive downtown locations, it was stated.

For approximately 30 minutes each night around dusk Flockfighters will be fogging selected starlings roosts with a food grade ingredient which is derived from Concord grapes. This material persuades the birds to leave the area. The effects are temporary and felt only by birds. Humans and other mammals may detect a pleasant grape scent but are not otherwise affected, officials said.

Because the small fogging machines are quite loud, the city will divert pedestrian traffic around the treatment areas for the 30 minutes these machines are in use.

Fogging operations will be conducted in the following areas:

1. The intersection of Broad and Second Streets.

2. The 1200 block of Market Street.

I’m curious to see how well this works. Although, somehow I don’t think I would have derived the same sick pleasure from spraying the little bastards with grape juice that I did from shooting them. But that’s just me. Plus when you’re dealing with tens or even hundreds of thousands; well, that’s just too much shooting.